I feel such a mess.

Why do I want to fall into anything, with anyone who gives me attention? why do I need to?

Well, I guess I get too many romantic notions, too many things going on in my head. I’m ‘desperate’ in other words. Although is being desperate a bad thing? All people who have done anything great have always been desperate. Van Gogh was desperate to create and escape what was inside of him. Einstein was desperate to find order and sense in nonsense. Even everyday people have desperation, maybe not to solve a theory of existence, but to live.

I’m desperate to live. Maybe that’s why I want to experience things, to love, to feel. I’m almost addicted to feeling; trying something out, just because It’s an experience, just because I can feel something.

I think I’m scared of feeling nothing. Which I guess is death – yes I’m scared of death. Anyone who says they aren’t are lying to you to uphold some kind of meaningless grandeur. That’s what drives me to live, to get it all before I can’t have it anymore. The desperation to live is what makes us human, the survival of the fittest and all that. Anyone who sneers at that, or talks down to you, sees you as less of a person because of it, isn’t really living. How can you live and not want to experience? Its inhuman.

So when you say I’m desperate, I’ll reply ‘aren’t you?’


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